Stop praising your children.
That’s according to the new-fangled style of “gentle parenting” — which involves never telling your kids you’re “so proud” of them.
Rethinking old habits has come under the spotlight after a recent TikTok video went viral of mom Taylor Wolfe instructing Grandma Boomer not to say, “I’m so proud of you,” to her grandson.
“That’s putting the focus on you,” Wolfe explained in the clip, instructing the grandmother to instead say, “you should be proud.”
According to experts, the change in wording instills the child’s confidence in their own choices and behaviors instead of relying on external validation.
Overusing the phrase “I’m proud of you” turns kids into “praise addicts,” or someone who constantly depends on the praise of others, author Laura Markham previously told Today’s Parent magazine.
She recommends phrases like, “You should be so proud of yourself.”
According to Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed clinical psychologist and Yahoo News contributor, research shows that “process praise” — or praising a child’s effort or strategy in completing a task — actually increases intrinsic motivation.
On the other hand, “person praise,” which highlights traits such as being pretty or smart, can have the opposite effect, causing the child to focus on mistakes or blame themselves when they mess up, according to Goodwin. .
Research also shows that praise should be specific, applauding the child for their specific behavior that is good, rather than a generalized statement of praise. According to Goodwin, this helps the child understand how to act in the future.
Overall, the sometimes controversial parenting method focuses on respect, empathy and boundaries to raise independent and happy children, in stark contrast to traditional parenting methods that strictly punish misdeeds and reward good behavior. Instead of timeouts or yelling, “gentle” parents have conversations with their children that set expectations and explain why certain behaviors are not allowed.
“Gentle parenting is about taking a break as a parent and, instead of yelling or screaming, you’re trying to help your kids understand what’s going on,” explained pediatrician Dr. Karen Estrella for the Cleveland Clinic.
“It can be challenging for parents because when conflict happens, you’re angry and you want to respond immediately,” she said.
For some, the technique is a non-starter.
Recently, a woman posted on an online forum Reddit that her sister’s family is banned from her home for “soft parenting.” According to the anonymous Redditor, the sister displayed “zero discipline.”
“During the first two days of their stay, her daughter drew on my walls with crayons,” the user wrote online. “And her son pulled out the flowers I had recently planted in my garden bed and threw a rock at my car parked in the driveway.”
“To top it all off,” she added, “they both proceeded to repeatedly pull my golden retriever’s hair and punch my dog in the face.”
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